The Faces of Depression

I’ve been lying to myself.
For years I lived convinced I was cured of depression. I was doing everything right. Chasing my dreams; eating healthy; living sustainable; creating and maintaining meaningful, loving relationships with friends, family and my partner.
Why did something still feel off?
Why do I keep experiencing such intense mood swings?
Why do I keep binge eating?
This week my boyfriend and I hung out with two beautiful souls we met through work. I’ve always been shy, but this first hangout outside of the work environment left me silent for most of the night. After we left, my partner pointed out my silence and stirred my decision to steep in it for the rest of the ride home. Many feelings, thoughts, and memories were brought up which lead me to open the door to realizing what was really going on.
I believe all uneasy moments and insecurities have deep roots in fear, and this is where I was finding this depression I had been suppressing to be living.
I first fully realized my fear of being stupid or thought of as such. I’ve felt this way ever since I was a child. I rarely got good grades in elementary school and felt much slower than everyone else. I wasn’t the most sociable, either, leaving little room for growth in social skills. I always felt dumb and told myself I was stupid. I sometimes now still find myself saying I’m stupid and try to catch it. It seemed minute, but had a strong hold. The fear now manifests as a fear of saying something stupid and being made fun of, or worsening that “dreaded silence” everyone feels the need to fill out of their own discomfort. I’ve also been somewhat of a klutz and am very good at looking a “fool” which had never seemed to help, either.
Another “problem” that has haunted me is the fact that I experience depression at all, and so often. I feel it is unfair to everyone around me that I can be such a dark cloud. I’ve ever had people tell me that I need to cover up my emotions in order to do work and function in society. This has only added to the damage holding in depression, or any feeling, can cause. I feel a burden on others for having emotions that aren’t happy and sociable 100% of the time and thus continue to put on a happy face and simply say “I’m good.” Society also has an impact, especially as a woman. We grow up in a world where we’re told to “turn that frown upside down,” and are asked “Where’s that smile? You’re much prettier when you smile.” Society does not leave room for individuals to work through their feelings and figure out the root of them. People rarely have a space they may feel safe to express themselves, scream and cry, until their heart forces them to laugh and smile once more.
Life is never an upwards him of rainbows, butterflies, and angel choirs. It’s a messy jumble of multi colored yarn that has been unraveled and reraveled, cut and tied, chewed on by wild animals, and pulled in every direction.
Here in this reality, we are experiencing this lifetime through human bodies. Skin, bones, organs, muscle, and with 100 billion neurons firing off 200 times per second. Your heart is beating 80 times a minute (115,200 times per day) and on average, there are 50,000 thoughts a day that are building a barrier between you and that heart. There’s a lot going on! Not to mention all of the outside stimulus of day to day life, and everything we hear about that happens everywhere else in the world.
It can be hard to carve out time to sit with the self and truly feel what’s going on inside. Most people avoid it at all costs out of fear of what could be awaiting them there.I’ve been lying to myself.
For years I lived convinced I was cured of depression. I was doing everything right. Chasing my dreams; eating healthy; living sustainable; creating and maintaining meaningful, loving relationships with friends, family and my partner.
Why did something still feel off?
Why do I keep experiencing such intense mood swings?
Why do I keep binge eating?
This week my boyfriend and I hung out with two beautiful souls we met through work. I’ve always been shy, but this first hangout outside of the work environment left me silent for most of the night. After we left, my partner pointed out my silence and stirred my decision to steep in it for the rest of the ride home. Many feelings, thoughts, and memories were brought up which lead me to open the door to realizing what was really going on.
I believe all uneasy moments and insecurities have deep roots in fear, and this is where I was finding this depression I had been suppressing to be living.
I first fully realized my fear of being stupid or thought of as such. I’ve felt this way ever since I was a child. I rarely got good grades in elementary school and felt much slower than everyone else. I wasn’t the most sociable, either, leaving little room for growth in social skills. I always felt dumb and told myself I was stupid. I sometimes now still find myself saying I’m stupid and try to catch it. It seemed minute, but had a strong hold. The fear now manifests as a fear of saying something stupid and being made fun of, or worsening that “dreaded silence” everyone feels the need to fill out of their own discomfort. I’ve also been somewhat of a klutz and am very good at looking a “fool” which had never seemed to help, either.
Another “problem” that has haunted me is the fact that I experience depression at all, and so often. I feel it is unfair to everyone around me that I can be such a dark cloud. I’ve ever had people tell me that I need to cover up my emotions in order to do work and function in society. This has only added to the damage holding in depression, or any feeling, can cause. I feel a burden on others for having emotions that aren’t happy and sociable 100% of the time and thus continue to put on a happy face and simply say “I’m good.” Society also has an impact, especially as a woman. We grow up in a world where we’re told to “turn that frown upside down,” and are asked “Where’s that smile? You’re much prettier when you smile.” Society does not leave room for individuals to work through their feelings and figure out the root of them. People rarely have a space they may feel safe to express themselves, scream and cry, until their heart forces them to laugh and smile once more.
Life is never an upwards him of rainbows, butterflies, and angel choirs. It’s a messy jumble of multi colored yarn that has been unraveled and reraveled, cut and tied, chewed on by wild animals, and pulled in every direction.
Here in this reality, we are experiencing this lifetime through human bodies. Skin, bones, organs, muscle, and with 100 billion neurons firing off 200 times per second. Your heart is beating 80 times a minute (115,200 times per day) and on average, there are 50,000 thoughts a day that are building a barrier between you and that heart. There’s a lot going on! Not to mention all of the outside stimulus of day to day life, and everything we hear about that happens everywhere else in the world.
It can be hard to carve out time to sit with the self and truly feel what’s going on inside. Most people avoid it at all costs out of fear of what could be awaiting them there. Our society is driven on caffeine, distractions, work overload, and excessive screen time. We are raised in a world that would rather have robotic beings with minds fixed on consumerism than healthy, self-loving, and sociable beings that help each other out, make time for themselves, and are kind enough to each other that there is little fear from freedom of expression.

If we are able to make meaningful connections where we feel safe to express what’s going on inside, even if we don’t fully understand the feelings, it can make way for much healthier and stronger individuals. When we hold in our thoughts and emotions, it leads to dis-ease (i.e. breast cancer in women who don’t respect themselves, testicular cancer in men that rely on others for love).

By taking a moment to slow down and fully embrace the emotions I had been feeling, I was able to dive deep enough into that darkness, that I broke through the other side. I cried so hard that my heart finally became empty of all the pain and sorrow I had carried. I began laughing uproariously and full-bellied as consequence.

I no longer have to feel like a depressed or bipolar person who can’t get their feelings under control. I am simply a human being that feels all emotions, and flows with them without holding onto or identifying with them.

Emotions are simply teachers. Instead of thinking “I am angry,” or “I am depressed,” we can begin thinking “what is causing this feeling to arise?” We are not our emotions, nor are we our thoughts (no matter how often the same ones appear). They are tools to help you clear away what is no longer serving you.

Often “negative” emotions appear due to baggage from the past we have held onto and left hung up in the closet. It is vital to begin question where our feelings are stemming from, so that whatever those roots are clinging to may be released. It may be difficult at first, and it may be a long process, but as time continues and your self-inquiry is persistent, you will find yourself becoming lighter and lighter- more yourself than ever before.

I use to be a continuously angry, explosive, and deeply depressed person with consistent suicidal thoughts. The first step for me was to realize that was no way to live, and I wanted to experience life in a different light. I took back my power from the story I kept telling myself. No longer will I be limited by words.

As time continued, I became less and less in my negative ways, and adopted soul insight instead. I began asking my heart what it wanted instead of my brain. I trained myself to be nicer and more loving, only I still had to learn to do these things for myself. I was still covering up what I didn’t wish to look at. I had moments of irritation peaking through along with boughts of pure disinterest and unhappiness with my circumstances. All of this arose out of the fear of being disliked and a burden. Funny, how it only made things worse.

I make no promises to never feel negatively again, however I do intend to not cling to any emotions that pass my way. I am open to feeling my emotions fully, listening to what they have to say, and allowing them to pass on without attachment. After all, I am not my emotions. I am much more. I am not this body, nor the way it feels. I am much more. I have the power to sit with whatever circumstances come my way, without fear. That, to me, is one of the most courageous things one could do. As could you.

Namasté.

P.s.

If you don’t have anyone to talk to, please feel free to contact me. If you would like any advice, tips, or self care tricks to help you on your journey let me know. I could also make an additional blog post with such advice if anyone does so desire.

Know that I speak from personal experience and acknowledge everyone is in their own place on their journey. I share purely out of love and with intention only to inspire and help others return home to their own heartspace.

You’re beautiful.

Thank you for reading.

I love you.

Published by Life Alchemist

Certified Holistic Health Coach & Herbalist. Energy Healer. Life Alchemist. I specialize in leading humanity in the direction of sustainable and intentional living. I help people heal their BODY, MIND, and EMOTIONS. This planet can only heal at the pace we do as individuals.

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